Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It may be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."

Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:

A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right up until the drone flies")

In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, sure, let's have Yet another area wherever American Adult males can use robes and connect with it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, needless to say."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace try since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When earlier negotiations failed below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: offer you Anyone a collection around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is often gentle electricity," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he need to prevent using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the undertaking, replied, "You already know, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the hotel's landscaping sorts a large Trump head obvious from House, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, categorized.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following discovering the building's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.

"It can be not only ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Options

Probably the strangest factor with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium exactly where guests may perhaps contemplate obscure disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local climate Command established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.

Local Syrians are unsure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Promoting Method: "If You Bomb It, They Will Arrive"

The advertisement marketing campaign, lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Endlessly."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:

"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."

Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it might stabilize the realm"

29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% mentioned "where's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"

Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"

The job is presently attracting attention from Global buyers, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will even involve:

A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'

And Trump Tower Damascus an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War

Remark Section Chaos

Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Cannot wait to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"At last, a lodge where by my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."

A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies recommend:

China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Remaining Ideas in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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